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| When you fall faster than you can climb... |
| 05.28.04 (10:18 am) [edit] |
I have worked so hard to climb out of the pit that my life was... I have strived to become better than I was... There was no ladder lowered down to me. I took fistfulls of dirt and kicked my way up. I was determined. I sweat and cried and yelled and screamed! The hold I had on the wall would give way and I would go tumbling back down. But I wouldn't stop! I kept climbing! I used roots and rocks and anything that had a firm foundation...anything that would hold my weight. I worked so hard to climb out of my hole...and now it feels as though the ground is collapsing around me. How can it be? I fought so hard and yet it took nothing at all to fall back to my doom...
After three years, I finally found a man that I could trust... And I feel safe with him physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I've barely known him five months and now he's moving to another state...another state far away from mine. Just as soon as I found my best friend, he ups and leaves! I know I can't be selfish...but I still feel betrayed.
As if that wasn't, others in my life that are friends are moving as well. And maybe even my best friend/sister might me moving oversea.
When I reached rock-bottom...and made the decision to start climbing out, I had kinda been in this relationship with this guy named Joey. He's also the guy I got arrested with. My brother had been in a "business" relationship with him (and I'm not talkin' about anything legal, here). My best friend and Joey had some falling out... It was crazy! I think back on it and we were all VERY stupid.
Joey just got out of jail after 8 months...and he's back. I thought I was feeling weak and vulnerable then...and now its worse! I can't ignore him...it would endanger my best friend's life. Yet he isn't anything good for me... Where is MY choice?? How can I ever live on the surface if the ground keeps swallowing me whole?
What happens? What do you do when you fall faster than you can climb? I'm trying to be a good person...but its like something realizes that and brings the horror to me. It's not a movie...this is entrapment. How can I get out of this without someone getting hurt or killed A) Physically, B) Emotionally, C) Mentally, D) Spiritually, or E) All of the above...
You feel as though you're marching into battle, swords ready and armor secure... You can see your enemy, all ten thousand soldiers... But looking to either side...you find yourself standing alone. Where are your allies?? Where is your support? Are they really there and you just can't see them? ...Or are you really just standing alone?
You patched up your armor and sharpened your swords!! You prepared for war! It took you a long time but you climbed out of your pit!!
...But you are alone...and your enemies are great. In one moment, you fell...
Where is the hope? Where is the light? Where is the strength and courage?? Where is the sword that can slay ten thousand?
[b]And for this battle you have? [/b]
Who? No one.
What? Only what you know how to weild.
[b]And this battle is?[/b]
When? Right now.
Where? The place that you can you fall.
[b]You are fighting this battle...[/b]
Why? Because you survived.
Now there's only one question left...
How are you going to win?
How?
Jesus Christ.
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| Human Video |
| 04.12.04 (4:54 pm) [edit] |
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Alright. This afternoon, one of the interns up at my church called and asked me and my brother to be in a human video. We accept. My brother's girlfriend's gonna be there...and the guy I like won't (unless by some miracle) and...I feel so left out of everything. I mean, the human video will be good for Oxygen and everything...but I'm just a lil depressed over it. Sorry. I'll get over it. :cry:
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| Men and Emotions |
| 04.11.04 (9:41 pm) [edit] |
Ok, so check this out..I'm spiraling down a tunnel of confusion. :?: I like this guy who goes to my church. He's got about 7 years over me, though. Now before you get all creeped out about that, there's nothing going on. We're just friends! But, sometimes I think that he's interested in being more than that...sometimes I think he's just wanting to be friends...sometimes I think that he doesn't think at all. Eh heh! ^_^* ANYWAYS! I mean, we're both big into following God's word for our lives so there wouldn't be any pre-marital sex or anything. It would be very legal. Oi vey...I just like him so much. Anyone out there know how to read 'guy'? I'd like some help. I mean, we'll catch each other's eyes all the time and he will hold my gaze all the while with this adorable grin. Is that average that two people (such as myself and this guy) stare each other with smiles on both our lips or interesting lengths of time? :shock:
I need some counsel!! If anyone can offer some advice, I'll gladly take it... :oops:
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| Greatest night... |
| 01.28.04 (7:04 pm) [edit] |
Tonight was one of the greatest nights of my life. Things that I never dreamed happening...happened. First of all, my sis, Ania came to church with me tonight....and she was saved! I mean, it was just so incredible! God is so good! I, also, felt closer to God and ... it was just so great. That was good though...anyways...I'm off to be happy and spend time with my family! To God be the glory! He is still working among us today!
"God is good all the time and all the time God is good!" ~Pastor Brumbalow
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| Fluctuating day... |
| 01.27.04 (7:19 pm) [edit] |
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Today wasn't so bad...I mean, it fluctueated. I was a little down shortly after my this morning and then it got better and me and my brother and mom were all making jokes and laughing and all (Which is getting less and less rare). Then we were going to Alaskas (our malamute/timber wolf) with us on our walk but my mom's keys were lost...so then it became a not-so-good day anymore. I was a little nuetral, had some good RP's, and then my sis, Ania, called and she'll be able to spend the night tomorrow (Wednesday) and Thursday. It then became a good day again. It continued in that direction when my bro took us all out to dinner to Chile's. But it went downhill again when part of my brother's cheat sheet on the Science Test (which he made for me) was found. He took the fall and pretended he didn't know some of the questions asked. Truth is, neither of us really needed it. It was jut a back up since we were taking the semester exam (we're in homeschooling and we got a late start). So now it's bad again...I also feel like I have a shiznit load of school work and stuff to do by tomorrow lunch time...it's only 10:16 PM right now...perhaps the day will get better again...until then...
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| So far so good... |
| 01.27.04 (8:15 am) [edit] |
I was woken three times this morning. Twice by my father who [b]insists[/b] on being the [i]most[/i] [b]annoying[/b] person in the entire world. And once by my mother. Now...that was not the problem. The man I direct my sensual and romantic emotions towards also happens to be the man I cannot have (this, also, is not the problem [Well, it is but...that's for another day..]). The problem here is in my dream that man that I so dearly care for was about to tell me that he loved me when I was pulled from the sweet fantasies of the unconscious to the harsh realities of a cold and early morning by...my mother..... That is so cruel. Speaking of which, fate can be cruel. Fortunately,
"You are free to sever the chains of fate that bind you."
That, my friend, instills strength to those who are not so blind as to not realize the power they possess.
Today will be a good day...and I guess I'll know whether I'm write or not soon enough...Namaarie...
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| Personality disorder |
| 01.26.04 (1:36 pm) [edit] |
A while ago I had a problem. It was simply this: My personality--my "self"--changed to suit the person I was with at the moment. I did this so much that I forgot who I relaly was. I no longer knew how to just "be myself". It's a scary thing to lose...to not remember how you really act. When you seem to have every side to you that possibly exists...
I adopted personalities of movies and depending on the movie I had watched, most likely, judged the outcome of my mood, which, in turn, caused my personality to fluctuate. Does this make any sense? It's like this...I can be anything you ask of me. But...when I'm the sweet little girl...know that somewhere beneath that mask lies a killer as well...
I've decided that my disorder must go. I want myself back..whichever self I really was. Perhaps I'm it all and just never knew. Perhaps "me" is really lost and I'm going to stay this way forever with my many sides. Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hyde just made a new enemy... I have far more sides than one.... But I'm changing that. I will be Chona once again...whoever that is... But I think I've decided that happiness is the best course. Where will evil take me? Where will it lead? All the paths are dark...where is my light except in Jesus Christ?
"And though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...I will fear no evil...for I once was Evil...and evil...evil remembers me well..."
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| The Crimson Tide |
| 01.26.04 (7:41 am) [edit] |
The Crimson Tide
The darkness fell and tainted love
Wicked black fused with passionate red
The hybrid was power
Corrupted innocence
Twisted truth
Wicked justice
Illusioned reality
Fallen angel
The new color was crimson
And it left impressions upon my soul
It consumed me in its eternal battles
The evil good and the good evil
The hatred of love and the love of hatred
It taught me the struggles
Of the outer good
And of the inner evil
I was washed in the crimson tide
Taught of my own demons
I’ve yet to unleash
Crimson
Crimson left impressions and stained my soul
So I have left my marks upon crimson
Forever to be united
Crimson is the aura of tainted love and blackened light
The tainter and the tainted are one
The alpha was I
And crimson was the omega
~Chona~
If I'd been stained but a moment earlier...I might have survived. I'm not sure which way is up...and to be honest...I'm not sure which way is down. I can ask questions...questions that everyone asks. I can whine about love and talk endless hours of how unfair life is. But then...I would be like everyone else...and the thing about me is...I'm not. I'm not like any of them...because I choose not to be. Is there anyone out there like me? .... I guess you wouldn't know even if you were. You've nothing of who I am...and you're not sure who you are...there meets the crimson scar...
....welcome to my world....
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