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| Greatest night... |
| 01.28.04 (7:04 pm) [edit] |
Tonight was one of the greatest nights of my life. Things that I never dreamed happening...happened. First of all, my sis, Ania came to church with me tonight....and she was saved! I mean, it was just so incredible! God is so good! I, also, felt closer to God and ... it was just so great. That was good though...anyways...I'm off to be happy and spend time with my family! To God be the glory! He is still working among us today!
"God is good all the time and all the time God is good!" ~Pastor Brumbalow
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| Fluctuating day... |
| 01.27.04 (7:19 pm) [edit] |
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Today wasn't so bad...I mean, it fluctueated. I was a little down shortly after my this morning and then it got better and me and my brother and mom were all making jokes and laughing and all (Which is getting less and less rare). Then we were going to Alaskas (our malamute/timber wolf) with us on our walk but my mom's keys were lost...so then it became a not-so-good day anymore. I was a little nuetral, had some good RP's, and then my sis, Ania, called and she'll be able to spend the night tomorrow (Wednesday) and Thursday. It then became a good day again. It continued in that direction when my bro took us all out to dinner to Chile's. But it went downhill again when part of my brother's cheat sheet on the Science Test (which he made for me) was found. He took the fall and pretended he didn't know some of the questions asked. Truth is, neither of us really needed it. It was jut a back up since we were taking the semester exam (we're in homeschooling and we got a late start). So now it's bad again...I also feel like I have a shiznit load of school work and stuff to do by tomorrow lunch time...it's only 10:16 PM right now...perhaps the day will get better again...until then...
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| So far so good... |
| 01.27.04 (8:15 am) [edit] |
I was woken three times this morning. Twice by my father who [b]insists[/b] on being the [i]most[/i] [b]annoying[/b] person in the entire world. And once by my mother. Now...that was not the problem. The man I direct my sensual and romantic emotions towards also happens to be the man I cannot have (this, also, is not the problem [Well, it is but...that's for another day..]). The problem here is in my dream that man that I so dearly care for was about to tell me that he loved me when I was pulled from the sweet fantasies of the unconscious to the harsh realities of a cold and early morning by...my mother..... That is so cruel. Speaking of which, fate can be cruel. Fortunately,
"You are free to sever the chains of fate that bind you."
That, my friend, instills strength to those who are not so blind as to not realize the power they possess.
Today will be a good day...and I guess I'll know whether I'm write or not soon enough...Namaarie...
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| Personality disorder |
| 01.26.04 (1:36 pm) [edit] |
A while ago I had a problem. It was simply this: My personality--my "self"--changed to suit the person I was with at the moment. I did this so much that I forgot who I relaly was. I no longer knew how to just "be myself". It's a scary thing to lose...to not remember how you really act. When you seem to have every side to you that possibly exists...
I adopted personalities of movies and depending on the movie I had watched, most likely, judged the outcome of my mood, which, in turn, caused my personality to fluctuate. Does this make any sense? It's like this...I can be anything you ask of me. But...when I'm the sweet little girl...know that somewhere beneath that mask lies a killer as well...
I've decided that my disorder must go. I want myself back..whichever self I really was. Perhaps I'm it all and just never knew. Perhaps "me" is really lost and I'm going to stay this way forever with my many sides. Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hyde just made a new enemy... I have far more sides than one.... But I'm changing that. I will be Chona once again...whoever that is... But I think I've decided that happiness is the best course. Where will evil take me? Where will it lead? All the paths are dark...where is my light except in Jesus Christ?
"And though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...I will fear no evil...for I once was Evil...and evil...evil remembers me well..."
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| The Crimson Tide |
| 01.26.04 (7:41 am) [edit] |
The Crimson Tide
The darkness fell and tainted love
Wicked black fused with passionate red
The hybrid was power
Corrupted innocence
Twisted truth
Wicked justice
Illusioned reality
Fallen angel
The new color was crimson
And it left impressions upon my soul
It consumed me in its eternal battles
The evil good and the good evil
The hatred of love and the love of hatred
It taught me the struggles
Of the outer good
And of the inner evil
I was washed in the crimson tide
Taught of my own demons
I’ve yet to unleash
Crimson
Crimson left impressions and stained my soul
So I have left my marks upon crimson
Forever to be united
Crimson is the aura of tainted love and blackened light
The tainter and the tainted are one
The alpha was I
And crimson was the omega
~Chona~
If I'd been stained but a moment earlier...I might have survived. I'm not sure which way is up...and to be honest...I'm not sure which way is down. I can ask questions...questions that everyone asks. I can whine about love and talk endless hours of how unfair life is. But then...I would be like everyone else...and the thing about me is...I'm not. I'm not like any of them...because I choose not to be. Is there anyone out there like me? .... I guess you wouldn't know even if you were. You've nothing of who I am...and you're not sure who you are...there meets the crimson scar...
....welcome to my world....
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